


Severus Snape and the Deplorable Lara Croft

by VerityGrahams



Series: Ballycastle Bats - QLFC - Season 6 - Chaser 3 [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Ballycastle Bats, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Lara Croft - Freeform, Movie fic, The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, dvd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 11:51:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15795945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerityGrahams/pseuds/VerityGrahams
Summary: "'Now we have only one problem; Lara, what on earth did you do to my wife's brilliant breasts' 'It's called a wonderbra. Surely you like this,' she gestured to her chest, 'It is an improvement.' 'Is it? Hell, they look like they've been sculpted from marble' he laughed"





	Severus Snape and the Deplorable Lara Croft

**Author's Note:**

> This is Muggle AU - Snily. Lily has a reaction Lara Croft - has Severus really lost interest?

**A/N: I do not own Harry Potter**

**Written for Quidditch League FanFiction Competition, Ballycastle Bats, Chaser 3, Round 7.**

**Prompt: Lara Croft: Cradle of Life**

**Optional Prompts:**

**7\. [dialogue] 'Well, that did not go according to plan.'**

**8\. [Quote] 'It's the honest ones you want to watch out for' - Pirates of the Caribbean**

**14\. [Word] Deplorable**

**Muggle AU**

**Word count: 2,391**

**Beta read by: SaturnineSpiders/ NerdGirl/ MisterEvil/ ClairBear**

* * *

Severus Snape and the Deplorable Lara Croft

Severus sat on the couch, his newborn lay contently on his left arm, while his right hand clutched a bottle of warm milk he was feeding the child. He was quite content these days - he was married to the perfect woman, he had a fantastic son, and now they had their latest addition to the family, Dahlia Snape. His mother-in-law had been insistent on continuing the tradition of naming girls after flowers. Severus didn't like any of the options that they had presented, for instance, who calls a child 'Peony'? Dahlia, however, was a lovely name.

His career was finally starting to take off, his latest research into anti-viral medications was beginning to get noticed; life really couldn't get any better than this. It might have helped that the work of his long-time rival and old boarding school bully; James Potter, had been found to have significant holes in his theory and had been profoundly discredited. As happy as Severus was, he still held onto a little bitterness and resentment with regards to particular individuals.

His mother and father to start. He, Tobias Snape, had been a nasty drunk with a chip on his shoulder, and it was all too often taken out on Severus as a child. He resented his mother for marrying him, for not stopping him, for not walking away. Severus disliked his mother for many things. His grandparents had thrown their daughter out on her rear - the Princes were a prestigious family, and to have their daughter elope with working-class plumber just wasn't what they had in mind. He resented them for it, all the while hating his mother for depriving him of the lifestyle that he could have had. He wouldn't have been going to boarding school with a second-hand uniform, and battered books - an obvious charity case.

Then there was Lily's family, mainly her sister Petunia; a snotty, self-impressed woman who had always looked down on him. Right from day one, solely for being from _that_ part of town. The woman's husband wasn't much better. He hated that all his success still didn't earn him the respect from her that he felt he deserved. Her parents were fantastic, without them he would have no clue how to raise his own children. Maybe he shielded his children more than they would.

Then there were the bullies from boarding school. Hogwarts was a prestigious school, mainly full of children from the wealthiest and most influential families in Britain. Severus had gotten in on brains alone. But his difference was duly noted by all - he was looked down on, not to mention his friendship with Lily coveted. Every boy in the school had wanted her heart, for some reason they thought that victimising her friend was the way to her heart.

It was the exact opposite of the childhood that he wanted for his children. He did his utmost to be the best father he could, but he often felt woefully inadequate. His upbringing had shaped him irrevocably into a man that was sharp and found forgiveness and grace extremely difficult. His wife had added softness to his life, and she would never know how much she had changed him, how much she had taught him to love - enabling to be the devoted father that he was now.

Lily, his wife, loved him dearly. However, she had been truly ashamed of her husband when he had smiled smugly as he read in the paper that Sirius Black, another 'arch nemesis' and bully, had been carted off to prison - embezzlement. Severus' response had been:

"I'm dishonest; a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you want to watch out for, Lily," His tongue was sharp and cutting, relishing his amusement of the fact.

"Oh really?" Lily had asked, "And why is that?"

"Because no one is sincere Lily, everyone lies. That is why you must keep a close eye on those that _claim_ to be honest, just like the 'oh-so-righteous' Sirius Black. Who was not honest at all it would seem," He tried to suppress his smile as he looked up at her amused disapproval. "Case and point."

"You don't need to be so smug; it's very unbecoming," she then left the room.

Lily could get caught up on the man that Severus was from time to time, but Severus was content. Content in all his life. This story is about how Lily came to realise just how content he truly was. And it all started with Harry bringing a new DVD home after a visit to Lily's parents - Grandma and Grandpa Evans.

"Dad, can I watch this?" he had asked. "It's a twelve, but Grandad said it would be ok, and I am turning twelve soon!"

"Let me read the back," Severus had demanded.

"But Grandad said it would be okay," Harry whined.

"Hand it over - now." Severus was very good at threatening, without even raising his voice. Harry handed over the DVD without much fuss; it was all in the tone. "Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life?"

"She's like an adventurer that collects really old things from tombs and stuff," Harry added helpfully.

"I hardly think she's dressed appropriately for raiding tombs... It seems a bit - sexualised to me, Harry," Severus mused.

"Grandad said there are no naughty bits, please! Dudley watched it!"

"Dudley? You and Dudley hate each other, but now you want to model yourself after him? I'd get you your entire weight in ice-cream, but I don't think I want to model my parenting style after the giant walrus and his wife," Severus said as his eyes skimmed the back.

"Mum said you're not allowed to call him that anymore," Harry replied with a slight smile.

"She won't know if you don't tell her," Severus pointed out as he sneered at the back of the DVD. "I don't think this sounds like a good movie at all," he mused.

"I think she's worried I might copy you," Harry countered.

"Then don't copy me," Severus glanced up, "This is why my parenting style is; 'do as I say, not as I do' capiche?"

Harry sighed, "Fine; I won't call him Uncle Walrus again!"

"It seems that there is some violence and death in this film. Will you be traumatised by watching actors pretend to die?" he asked in a deadpan tone - clearly, his concern was minimal.

"Nope! I think I can handle it; remember Dudley cried like a baby at that kid's film we watched, but I was okay - It was obvious the lion would come back in the end!"

"This is true; however, the real danger is you going out with your reckless ginger friend Ron, and trying to reenact some of the more stupid stunts that they pull. Is that going to happen?" He stared at Harry more pointedly now, his tone was quite severe.

"No. Promise. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye!" Harry replied hopefully.

"There's nudity - I don't know about you watching naked women," He glanced at the cover, "This character seems fairly racy with her clothes on - I don't want to know what she'd be like nude,"

"I'll close my eyes. I don't care about the mushy bits," Harry promised.

"Fine, pop it on," Severus shrugged.

Severus barely paid attention to the movie; he was more content to gaze at the beauty that was his daughter. He would never admit that his children made him mushy - he was known for his deadly demeanour, but this gorgeous thing, she melted his heart. However, the problem started when his wife walked in, right at the raunchy sex scene. Lara Croft was writhing around naked on the floor with the love interest that had just almost got her killed. Severus couldn't help thinking that the woman was a bit of an idiot.

"Close your eyes, Harry," Severus demanded. It wasn't like Harry had the choice as with a slight smirk he wrapped an arm around Harry, covering his eyes with his hand. Not that Severus was overly worried about the effect of a rather tame love scene would have on his son, but the control was enjoyable. He watched, waiting for it to be over - and that happened to be when his wife walked in.

"What are you watching?" she asked, scandalised.

"It's not that bad, and this is the only sex scene, apparently. Though, in all honesty, the woman seems to walk about near naked with her breasts in everyone's face throughout,"

"You noticed her breasts?" she queried.

"It's impossible not to notice them," he smirked. "Look at them," he scoffed, gesturing to the screen.

He failed to notice the look on his wife's' face, and the way she glanced at the woman on the screen and then back down to her own chest.

* * *

Severus didn't think anything of the exchange. And life continued as it had for the next week or so. Severus worked and came home to an exhausted wife. Dahlia had colic, and so sleep was a thing of the distant past - this meant there was little to no time just for Severus and Lily. Dahlia eventually did get some relief, and Severus would find out just how much Lara Croft had affected his wife. He sat in bed reading as he waited for his wife to come to bed. Dahlia was sound asleep; this meant he might have a chance at performing husbandly duties for the first time in a while.

Lily walked into the room and leant against the wardrobe in what was clearly a very sultry pose. Severus had to do a double take when he finally glanced up at his wife. Her long auburn hair was tied in a long plait which lay gently across her chest. Her chest was the first thing he noticed. He had no idea what she had done, but they were thrust up, and there must have been some padding involved. She wore a black vest top, and it clung tightly to her chest and abdomen. Then there were the incredibly tight, incredibly short shorts, completed with a utility belt with what he assumed were suspender like attachments, and fake (he hoped) guns holstered. She finished the outfit off with hiker boots and another weapon (because one on each hip isn't enough) in her hand.

"Lily, what are you playing at?" he laughed.

"Well, that did not go according to plan," Lily confessed miserably.

"What on earth do you mean?"

"You find her sexy, Lara Croft!"

"What on earth gave you that idea?" he asked with a bemused smile.

"You said you noticed her breasts; you were gawking, you don't gawk at me like that anymore!"

"Like I said, impossible not to notice them, I was worried they would poke the other actor's eyes out," He smirked. "Did it bother you that much?" he asked with a superior smile.

"Every wife wants to feel like they're unbelievably sexy and desired by their husband," she confessed.

Severus smiled and beckoned her over.

"It is deplorable that you don't know that you are the most sensual woman on the planet. You're the only woman worth looking at, and I have to say, I don't think this look is doing anything for you," he stated bluntly. "Your hair is gorgeous, and you have it all pulled into a silly plait - too much like the rather slutty looking actress."

With that he pulled the hair tie from the braid and unravelled her hair, leaving her long auburn hair framing her smiling face. Severus then grabbed the weaponry from her hips.

"Whoever decided that instruments of death were attractive?" he asked tossing them aside.

Lily giggled at her husband as he continued his work removing the utility belt.

"Lily, am I a man that likes exercise?" He eyed her sardonically.

"No, you're allergic if I remembered correctly?"

"So why you think hiking boots are going to get me going, I have no idea. Lose them," he demanded. Lily toed the boots off fairly quickly. "Now we have only one problem; Lara, what on earth did you do to my wife's brilliant breasts?"

"It's called a wonderbra. Surely you like this," she gestured to her chest, "It is an improvement,"

"Is it? Hell, they look like they've been sculpted from marble!" he laughed, "You have beautiful, natural, perfectly proportioned breasts," he watched as she pulled the wonderbra from under the figure-hugging vest top. "It seems I have my wife back," he smiled.

"So if you really find me so irresistible, why are we going through a dry spell?" she asked as she climbed into bed beside him, snuggling into his side.

"It's called colic; you're comatose by the time I can even think about trying to seduce you, it's been quite frustrating," he said, smiling. "You can't honestly tell me you were concerned? You've always been confident and attractive. My wife does not second-guess herself,"

Lily looked at him, uncertainty in her eyes.

"After Harry, I bounced back really quickly - I didn't feel like this,"

"Like what?" A concerned expression replaced the smile.

"I just haven't felt like myself at all. Don't get me wrong, I love Dahlia, but I just feel irritable, low and anxious all the time. I have no energy, and I feel about as unattractive it's possible for someone to feel. Then you see your husband gawking at Lara bloody Croft, with her gravity-defying breasts..." she trailed off.

"You forgot to mention that ridiculous trout mouth she has going on," he joked, but Lily didn't smile. "I am more than satisfied with my deliriously beautiful wife. My wife who gave me the most beautiful children. You have no idea how happy I am with my lot. And you are the pinnacle - but you are not yourself. Maybe we should go to the doctors tomorrow," he cradled her in his arms as he kissed her head. "Life is just about perfect for me right now, and I have everything I could want. I want my wife to be just as happy and content as I am,"

"You sound like my mum... It's just postnatal, blah blah blah."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. However you may feel, dressing up as Lara Croft is not the answer,"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - Kudos and comment, please! :)


End file.
